LOST ENERGY DRINK

This is the other product I thought was long gone.

Apparently "Lost" makes snowboard, skateboard, and surfboard stuff. I didn't know that and I don't really care. The design of this can is utterly pathetic to the point that it's really funny but will be kind of embarrassing if you drink it in front of the kind of cool guy hipsters who used to be really into warped tour and will try and make up for that at any given opportunity. It's got some direct quotes from punk and new metal bands, and some that have been paraphrased to make it suitable to print on the can of their energy drink ("tear down" your idols?) It's also got lots and lots of classic punk bands logos that have been altered to look more like snowboard graphics. Minor Threat "Out of Step" sheep, C.O.C. skull, etc. This stuff basically is warped tour in a can. Or at least it would be if warped tour in a can wasn't yoohoo.

However, when you open this can and take a sip... it is the MOST DELICIOUS ENERGY DRINK ON THE MARKET! Yeah, fuck you. I drink energy drinks. You gonna judge me for that? GO AHEAD! I'm happy with my life and I don't care what you think, go look down your nose at somebody else! They hired Monster to make the drink for them, do all the dirty work, and they just slapped their name on it and called it their own. It tastes EXACTLY like Red Vines red licorice, the best red licorice out there. This stuff tastes exactly like that stuff.

Probably four years ago after a party got broken up at some idiot's house who used to work at Belmont Army surplus, we left still looking for fun. My idea of fun has admittedly changed since then but hey I was in my early 20's then, now in my late 20's... I've "matured." But, I digress. We leave this party and a truck was outside some bar giving away free cans of Lost to people leaving and they were packing up. In my crazed inebriated state I yelled at them to give me many of their free products. I demanded it! This was not a nice tone, this was "HEY. GIMME SUMMA DAT!" To my surprise and delight, they gave me two cans. They were warm. But I was far too into my night to care. Outside Berlin the typical black transvestites heckled us and then two of them told me they were going to try out for American Idol as the first transvestite couple to compete together. I wished them luck and then I have no idea what happened. So this review is over. LOST RULES.

A&W Root Beer Float Soda

Hey, Back from Kentucky. Fun times but nothing too interesting to report (aside from some celebrity stories I heard from my Dad's cousin but I don't dare repeat them here.) Instead I'm posting to review two products that I didn't know were still on the market that I saw on the road.

First up, A&W Root Beer Float Soda. When I first saw this product it was displayed next to the other float soda the company decided to make, Sunkist Orange Cream Soda. Dog 'n Suds has been making orange cream soda forever and it is mindblowing. I figured it was about time someone else finally got on board with this idea. And apply the same concept to root beer? Genius!

...That is, until I bought one.

It comes in a glass bottle, there is a pleasant ambiance to that for me. You can't actually see the product, the lable completely covers the bottle. I get home, crack it open and take a swig. I didn't quite spit it out in my surprise and disgust when I found out this product's horrible secret. My eyes bulged as the expression on my face went from excitement to queasy terror and I swallowed it before coughing and moving my mouth around like a dog who got into something unexpectedly gross while digging through the garbage. Gross even by dog standards.

THERE IS MILK IN THIS SHIT. It is not just a regular soda with the flavor of vanilla ice cream like you would naturally assume, and NOWHERE on the package does it say that they're going to trick you like this by putting MILK, YES... MILK together with pop!

"But Mike, What about French Soda?" You got me there, apparently french people love to put milk in their pop for some reason. But when you order this at a coffee shop or something you know what you're getting. Nobody is tricking you into ordering what you would assume to be a normal bottle of Root Beer and SPIKING IT WITH MILK. But really it isn't just milk. It's supposed to simulate the ice cream part of the float. You know when you're done with a great, intensely satisfying root beer float and you're left with the residue on the side of the glass that kind of pools up into a little bit of sludge at the bottom? This is an entire bottle of that, basically. But that is still giving this garbage too much credit. Flat root beer and vanilla flavored milk. It's giving me a stomach ache just thinking about it.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

E.T.A. - No Faith

Yo, I'm splitting for Bardstown, KY in the morning but I thought I'd leave the lurkers of the HOT FOOD blog with something to chew on while I was gone. E.T.A. is a pretty dumb name any way you slice it (it doesn't stand for estimated time of arrival, it stands for epileptic terror attack.) But hey, three words shortened down to initials, it don't get too much more 80's punk than that.

This band is from Sweden and went on to become the currently popular band REGULATIONS, with some skinny guy playing bass instead of D.S.-13's "138". Honestly, I like this band a lot more. E.T.A. was a fantastic emulation of early 80's hardcore punk, particularly California type stuff. I like the Regulations too but they always seemed to me to be a lazier-paced version of E.T.A. with the core edge dulled to appeal to "garage punk" types, but they don't really make up for what they leave behind, in my humble opinion. Might sound like I don't care much for the 'Regs but I do. I just think E.T.A. was a really underrated band and that is why I am choosing to champion this out of print LP on my blog. I spent 2 weeks on a tour with this band in like 2002 or something and seeing 'em play every night was a real treat but I'm not about to get started talking about that right now, basically in a shitty era (the 2000's) for shitty music (hardcore punk) this was a great and unfortunately underappreciated gem.

Somehow, this was the largest image i could find of the album cover. (insert sad trombone noise here)

http://www.sendspace.com/file/xqzkax

$0.02

Here is the rebuttal I am offering to Luca's most recent entry:

My first instinct was to remove the previous post like I eventually did last time Luca posted a video that was too annoying to remain up on this blog. But I think in the long term it would be more embarrassing to him if I just left it up forever.

If you think those videos are funny, you are more confused than those kids are.

THIS JUST IN: IGNORANCE IS STILL VERY FUNNY

This video has been viewed over 2 million times and was featured on Kanye West's blog. You've probably seen it before:



It's pretty much two teenagers sitting around being very racist. I enjoy it.

I looked through these kids' other videos, and like most things sixteen year-olds do, they're not funny. But I did find one that I was incredibly entertained by.

This video is essentially these two kids from the "Top 60 Ghetto Black Names" video walking around a grocery store for three minutes...being extremely racist.



"Oooooooooh. . .CORNBREAD!"

Enjoy today's dose of ignorance! I'll work on finding you guys more soon!

The Dictators Demos & Rare Tracks '73-76

The Dictators are one of the true greats in the world of rock & roll music. I'm not going to tell you anything on this blog about 'em that hasn't been written before, or with nearly as much exalted grandiosity as they deserve. They have been described as the first punk rock band, I would prefer to think of them as the LAST rock and roll band. At least, the kind of rock and roll I want to hear.

Mike Edison wrote about pro wrestling that if you get it, no explaination is necessary, and if you don't, no explaination will do. That is how I feel about punk rock music and, particularly (especially given that it was about pro wrestling in it's original context) about The Dictators. They are one of my favorite bands in the history of the world.

I am presenting to you a long out of print Demos and Rare tracks compilation LP released in 1977. I think a few of these tracks are the same as the newer (and better) collection that Norton released last year, but there is a lot of different material on both. This one has some classic tunes that didn't make it onto the newer one as well as a version of Pink Floyd's "Interstellar Overdrive" but without that long boring 7 minutes of braindead hippy meandering. It's like the guys in Pink Floyd just all forgot what they were doing at once and just sat there staring at a black light poster in the studio and they just kept recording.

But I digress.

This also has a short live tune called "Smash That Faggot's Head" which I can only imagine was written and recorded in response to Manitoba's feud with Wayne County, admittedly this tune is a low point for The Dics. Anyway Like I said a lot of the tracks represented here are on the newer and still available Norton compilation and that one is somewhat better so if you like this shit, go out and get that.

This isn't a good starting point for yet to be converted fans, the sound quality is usually pretty poor and doesn't really represent their fullest potential, it's more for junkies like me who need a sick fix of the Dics. I know nobody is reading this, you just wanna get your hands on the goods. So here it is!

http://www.sendspace.com/file/b6pedp

TBS is running bumpers between their programs and commercials that are stand-up "comedians" doing "bits" about products made by their sponsors. This is not okay with HOT FOOD.

TBS, please reconsider.

sincerely,
Michael Q. Popinski

MORE INTERNET WEIRDOS.

It's been a hot minute since I've written on this thing, hasn't it? Well, no one else was updating, so morale was low, but you know what? I'm back now.

Today I'd like to introduce to you my newest find in the world of Internet weirdos. Meet Jon Becker, a metal singer with an extraordinary vocal range:



Pretty impressive. I like the gum in his mouth.

He has a dozen videos up, all viewable here.

But this one if my personal favorite:

youtube.

I haven't posted in HOT FOOD in forever, sue me.

I just deleted Luca's Chickenhawk post because I couldn't figure out how to delete the video and I got sick of pausing it every single time I came to the page, sorry!

to make up for it, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen... the funniest video on all of youtube.

It's almost 8 minutes long, but watch the whole thing. I promise if you stick it out until the very end you will not regret it.

wasted daze

Doodle while outta your noodle.

stuff about drugs

Luca

Here's a picture I found on Luca's flickr account. It's a picture of him being fed by his little sister, while they're both clearly wasted. I love this picture and felt it should probably be posted on hot food. You know, give the audience a face to go with all those posts about youtube.

MrChiCity is still funny.

Many of YouTube's brightest stars burn out rather quickly. The Sexman, for example, was once one of the most entertaining people on the Internet. But over the course of this past year, he's gotten less and less funny, charming, and interesting. My personal favorite YouTuber, Sodahead, closed down his account out of nowhere. But somehow, MrChiCity has been cranking out the hits for OVER A YEAR. This guy's got the cyber-shelf life of a Twinkie. For your enjoyment, his newest video, titled, "A Brother On The Floor":

tweaked arms for everyone

My old roommate (Luca's current) MJ once described a certain type of ass as "slappy." I drew this to see if it's what he was talking about and he didn't think it truly represented the image in his head. He was into the huge cans though.
This however was more on point.
I see this guy almost everyday on my way home from work. I've also seen his dick before.

happy 420

HUMP DAY.

Lily Allen Show Review

My sister wound up with an extra ticket to Sunday night's Lily Allen show at The Riv. I'm not going to beat around the bush: I like Lily Allen. A lot. Sure, I'll join you.

The opening band was the type of thing that made me hate music. They not only made me hate music, they made me hate everything and everyone I've ever known.

The band is called, brace yourself, Natalie Portman's Shaved Head, and they produce some of the lamest shit that I've ever seen somehow pass itself off as music. Here's an example of this shit in action. This video is only 90 seconds long, and finishing it is going to be a real challenge:


natalie portman's shaved head - sophisticated side ponytail from thatgo on Vimeo.

Ick. Gross. When you base band membership on good looks and cool haircuts, you get Natalie Portman's Shaved Head. And Natalie Portman's Shaved Head is the musical equivalent of dog vomit. Not a good look.

Lily Allen's set was pretty good. She looked totally foxy, too. For the encore she came out in a t-shirt and jeans, and she looked kind of dumpy and tom-boyish and that, my friends, is what boners are made of.

The highlight of the night actually happened after the set. I met up with Lily and her crew at Nick's Beer Garden for a few post-show cocktails. The two of us then went back to my apartment, where, over a couple of cans of Miller High Life, I dazzled and impressed her with my near-mint copy of Emerson, Lake & Palmer's "Works" and then moved on to making her feel like a woman all night long.

I'm totally lying, that never happened. I just went home and wrote this. Happy Easter.