Monday, June 22, 2009


This is the other product I thought was long gone.

Apparently "Lost" makes snowboard, skateboard, and surfboard stuff. I didn't know that and I don't really care. The design of this can is utterly pathetic to the point that it's really funny but will be kind of embarrassing if you drink it in front of the kind of cool guy hipsters who used to be really into warped tour and will try and make up for that at any given opportunity. It's got some direct quotes from punk and new metal bands, and some that have been paraphrased to make it suitable to print on the can of their energy drink ("tear down" your idols?) It's also got lots and lots of classic punk bands logos that have been altered to look more like snowboard graphics. Minor Threat "Out of Step" sheep, C.O.C. skull, etc. This stuff basically is warped tour in a can. Or at least it would be if warped tour in a can wasn't yoohoo.

However, when you open this can and take a sip... it is the MOST DELICIOUS ENERGY DRINK ON THE MARKET! Yeah, fuck you. I drink energy drinks. You gonna judge me for that? GO AHEAD! I'm happy with my life and I don't care what you think, go look down your nose at somebody else! They hired Monster to make the drink for them, do all the dirty work, and they just slapped their name on it and called it their own. It tastes EXACTLY like Red Vines red licorice, the best red licorice out there. This stuff tastes exactly like that stuff.

Probably four years ago after a party got broken up at some idiot's house who used to work at Belmont Army surplus, we left still looking for fun. My idea of fun has admittedly changed since then but hey I was in my early 20's then, now in my late 20's... I've "matured." But, I digress. We leave this party and a truck was outside some bar giving away free cans of Lost to people leaving and they were packing up. In my crazed inebriated state I yelled at them to give me many of their free products. I demanded it! This was not a nice tone, this was "HEY. GIMME SUMMA DAT!" To my surprise and delight, they gave me two cans. They were warm. But I was far too into my night to care. Outside Berlin the typical black transvestites heckled us and then two of them told me they were going to try out for American Idol as the first transvestite couple to compete together. I wished them luck and then I have no idea what happened. So this review is over. LOST RULES.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

A&W Root Beer Float Soda

Hey, Back from Kentucky. Fun times but nothing too interesting to report (aside from some celebrity stories I heard from my Dad's cousin but I don't dare repeat them here.) Instead I'm posting to review two products that I didn't know were still on the market that I saw on the road.

First up, A&W Root Beer Float Soda. When I first saw this product it was displayed next to the other float soda the company decided to make, Sunkist Orange Cream Soda. Dog 'n Suds has been making orange cream soda forever and it is mindblowing. I figured it was about time someone else finally got on board with this idea. And apply the same concept to root beer? Genius!

...That is, until I bought one.

It comes in a glass bottle, there is a pleasant ambiance to that for me. You can't actually see the product, the lable completely covers the bottle. I get home, crack it open and take a swig. I didn't quite spit it out in my surprise and disgust when I found out this product's horrible secret. My eyes bulged as the expression on my face went from excitement to queasy terror and I swallowed it before coughing and moving my mouth around like a dog who got into something unexpectedly gross while digging through the garbage. Gross even by dog standards.

THERE IS MILK IN THIS SHIT. It is not just a regular soda with the flavor of vanilla ice cream like you would naturally assume, and NOWHERE on the package does it say that they're going to trick you like this by putting MILK, YES... MILK together with pop!

"But Mike, What about French Soda?" You got me there, apparently french people love to put milk in their pop for some reason. But when you order this at a coffee shop or something you know what you're getting. Nobody is tricking you into ordering what you would assume to be a normal bottle of Root Beer and SPIKING IT WITH MILK. But really it isn't just milk. It's supposed to simulate the ice cream part of the float. You know when you're done with a great, intensely satisfying root beer float and you're left with the residue on the side of the glass that kind of pools up into a little bit of sludge at the bottom? This is an entire bottle of that, basically. But that is still giving this garbage too much credit. Flat root beer and vanilla flavored milk. It's giving me a stomach ache just thinking about it.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

E.T.A. - No Faith

Yo, I'm splitting for Bardstown, KY in the morning but I thought I'd leave the lurkers of the HOT FOOD blog with something to chew on while I was gone. E.T.A. is a pretty dumb name any way you slice it (it doesn't stand for estimated time of arrival, it stands for epileptic terror attack.) But hey, three words shortened down to initials, it don't get too much more 80's punk than that.

This band is from Sweden and went on to become the currently popular band REGULATIONS, with some skinny guy playing bass instead of D.S.-13's "138". Honestly, I like this band a lot more. E.T.A. was a fantastic emulation of early 80's hardcore punk, particularly California type stuff. I like the Regulations too but they always seemed to me to be a lazier-paced version of E.T.A. with the core edge dulled to appeal to "garage punk" types, but they don't really make up for what they leave behind, in my humble opinion. Might sound like I don't care much for the 'Regs but I do. I just think E.T.A. was a really underrated band and that is why I am choosing to champion this out of print LP on my blog. I spent 2 weeks on a tour with this band in like 2002 or something and seeing 'em play every night was a real treat but I'm not about to get started talking about that right now, basically in a shitty era (the 2000's) for shitty music (hardcore punk) this was a great and unfortunately underappreciated gem.

Somehow, this was the largest image i could find of the album cover. (insert sad trombone noise here)


Here is the rebuttal I am offering to Luca's most recent entry:

My first instinct was to remove the previous post like I eventually did last time Luca posted a video that was too annoying to remain up on this blog. But I think in the long term it would be more embarrassing to him if I just left it up forever.

If you think those videos are funny, you are more confused than those kids are.


This video has been viewed over 2 million times and was featured on Kanye West's blog. You've probably seen it before:

It's pretty much two teenagers sitting around being very racist. I enjoy it.

I looked through these kids' other videos, and like most things sixteen year-olds do, they're not funny. But I did find one that I was incredibly entertained by.

This video is essentially these two kids from the "Top 60 Ghetto Black Names" video walking around a grocery store for three minutes...being extremely racist.

"Oooooooooh. . .CORNBREAD!"

Enjoy today's dose of ignorance! I'll work on finding you guys more soon!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Dictators Demos & Rare Tracks '73-76

The Dictators are one of the true greats in the world of rock & roll music. I'm not going to tell you anything on this blog about 'em that hasn't been written before, or with nearly as much exalted grandiosity as they deserve. They have been described as the first punk rock band, I would prefer to think of them as the LAST rock and roll band. At least, the kind of rock and roll I want to hear.

Mike Edison wrote about pro wrestling that if you get it, no explaination is necessary, and if you don't, no explaination will do. That is how I feel about punk rock music and, particularly (especially given that it was about pro wrestling in it's original context) about The Dictators. They are one of my favorite bands in the history of the world.

I am presenting to you a long out of print Demos and Rare tracks compilation LP released in 1977. I think a few of these tracks are the same as the newer (and better) collection that Norton released last year, but there is a lot of different material on both. This one has some classic tunes that didn't make it onto the newer one as well as a version of Pink Floyd's "Interstellar Overdrive" but without that long boring 7 minutes of braindead hippy meandering. It's like the guys in Pink Floyd just all forgot what they were doing at once and just sat there staring at a black light poster in the studio and they just kept recording.

But I digress.

This also has a short live tune called "Smash That Faggot's Head" which I can only imagine was written and recorded in response to Manitoba's feud with Wayne County, admittedly this tune is a low point for The Dics. Anyway Like I said a lot of the tracks represented here are on the newer and still available Norton compilation and that one is somewhat better so if you like this shit, go out and get that.

This isn't a good starting point for yet to be converted fans, the sound quality is usually pretty poor and doesn't really represent their fullest potential, it's more for junkies like me who need a sick fix of the Dics. I know nobody is reading this, you just wanna get your hands on the goods. So here it is!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

TBS is running bumpers between their programs and commercials that are stand-up "comedians" doing "bits" about products made by their sponsors. This is not okay with HOT FOOD.

TBS, please reconsider.

Michael Q. Popinski

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


It's been a hot minute since I've written on this thing, hasn't it? Well, no one else was updating, so morale was low, but you know what? I'm back now.

Today I'd like to introduce to you my newest find in the world of Internet weirdos. Meet Jon Becker, a metal singer with an extraordinary vocal range:

Pretty impressive. I like the gum in his mouth.

He has a dozen videos up, all viewable here.

But this one if my personal favorite:

Thursday, May 14, 2009


I haven't posted in HOT FOOD in forever, sue me.

I just deleted Luca's Chickenhawk post because I couldn't figure out how to delete the video and I got sick of pausing it every single time I came to the page, sorry!

to make up for it, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen... the funniest video on all of youtube.

It's almost 8 minutes long, but watch the whole thing. I promise if you stick it out until the very end you will not regret it.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

wasted daze

Doodle while outta your noodle.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

stuff about drugs


Here's a picture I found on Luca's flickr account. It's a picture of him being fed by his little sister, while they're both clearly wasted. I love this picture and felt it should probably be posted on hot food. You know, give the audience a face to go with all those posts about youtube.

MrChiCity is still funny.

Many of YouTube's brightest stars burn out rather quickly. The Sexman, for example, was once one of the most entertaining people on the Internet. But over the course of this past year, he's gotten less and less funny, charming, and interesting. My personal favorite YouTuber, Sodahead, closed down his account out of nowhere. But somehow, MrChiCity has been cranking out the hits for OVER A YEAR. This guy's got the cyber-shelf life of a Twinkie. For your enjoyment, his newest video, titled, "A Brother On The Floor":

Monday, April 20, 2009

tweaked arms for everyone

My old roommate (Luca's current) MJ once described a certain type of ass as "slappy." I drew this to see if it's what he was talking about and he didn't think it truly represented the image in his head. He was into the huge cans though.
This however was more on point.
I see this guy almost everyday on my way home from work. I've also seen his dick before.

happy 420

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Sunday, April 12, 2009

Lily Allen Show Review

My sister wound up with an extra ticket to Sunday night's Lily Allen show at The Riv. I'm not going to beat around the bush: I like Lily Allen. A lot. Sure, I'll join you.

The opening band was the type of thing that made me hate music. They not only made me hate music, they made me hate everything and everyone I've ever known.

The band is called, brace yourself, Natalie Portman's Shaved Head, and they produce some of the lamest shit that I've ever seen somehow pass itself off as music. Here's an example of this shit in action. This video is only 90 seconds long, and finishing it is going to be a real challenge:

natalie portman's shaved head - sophisticated side ponytail from thatgo on Vimeo.

Ick. Gross. When you base band membership on good looks and cool haircuts, you get Natalie Portman's Shaved Head. And Natalie Portman's Shaved Head is the musical equivalent of dog vomit. Not a good look.

Lily Allen's set was pretty good. She looked totally foxy, too. For the encore she came out in a t-shirt and jeans, and she looked kind of dumpy and tom-boyish and that, my friends, is what boners are made of.

The highlight of the night actually happened after the set. I met up with Lily and her crew at Nick's Beer Garden for a few post-show cocktails. The two of us then went back to my apartment, where, over a couple of cans of Miller High Life, I dazzled and impressed her with my near-mint copy of Emerson, Lake & Palmer's "Works" and then moved on to making her feel like a woman all night long.

I'm totally lying, that never happened. I just went home and wrote this. Happy Easter.

Friday, April 10, 2009


I've always considered myself one of the finest YouTube gold diggers out there. I've always been able to somehow stumble across the weirdest shit out there. But there is one person I know who is far better at it than I am. It's our good buddy Ryan Winke. I think this stems from the fact that he has even more free time on his hands than I do. Because it's been a slow week, here's one of Ryan's personal favorites:

The music makes it feel like you're watching Terminator 2 or something.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Marty Party

Marty Kays, AKA Marty Party, AKA CROSSPHYRE is a west coast dude who loves the simple things in life: drinking some frosty brews, cool tattoos, and rock and roll music. His online profiles claim that he has spent most of his life as a professional studio drummer and has toured the country many times over. Should probably be a pretty solid percussionist then, huh? Let's take a look at him struggle to play an incorrect beat over Kiss' "Love Gun".

Ok. Let's now take a look at him tackling the intricate percussive prowess of Alex Van Halen. Make sure to watch this entire video because the bridge to the song is some of the most advanced shit I've ever seen:

I find it very hard to believe that this guy has made a career out of this. I mean, Peter Criss and Alex Van Halen are, in the words of our Commander in Cheif, the Special Olympics of rock and roll. I've gone on to find some of Marty Party's social networking profiles, and some of his personal info and pictures are truly hilarious, but I'm here to talk about his drumming techniques, not post photos of him pounding Miller Lites in front of his webcam.

If you truly want to get the know more about the man himself, check out this exclusive interview he posted up on his YouTube channel (where you can also find over 50 more of his drumming videos. If you're lucky enough, you might stumble across one where he is playing a song with his pet parrot on his shoulder).

Don't worry, there's nothing wrong with your sound card or internet connection. This interview just has no sound. Even though a number of his "fans" have commented on the video letting him know that the sound doesn't work, we're yet to get a corrected version up. Damn dude.

For more videos, click HERE.

Also, you readers may have noticed that while Nick and Mike post awesome drawing on here all the time, I don't. Well, thats because I can't draw. But over the course of this weekend, I finally made a few drawings and Nick is currently scanning them, so those will be up soon. Hopefully you'll be as shocked, appauled, and amused as some of our freinds were.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Psychic Subway

Where they know what you want before you order it, and it's still wrong anyway.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Tales From The Couch Vol. 4

Some drawings of my hero, Cap'n Crunch, and LORD DOGLORD, a pointlessly christian warrior of my own creation for the world of the basement dwelling mouthbreather game WEREWOLF: THE APOCALYPSE.

It's abstract humor.

Knockers playing soccer, and a kid gets a little too worked up when the other kid he's playing freeze tag has a different way to pronounce the safe zone.

You just don't mess with a man's car, man. You just don't.

Thursday, April 2, 2009


There's about 30 different flyers for this, and I believe this to be the best one. You can see a lot of people with a lot of interesting things to say and in addition to that, I will also be speaking.

It's a bar, it's a Friday, it's a good idea!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

More Upsetting Shit on The Internet

A few posts back, I talked about how the Internet will never run out of terrible things for the average American to be disgusted with. Today's example is prime. This is a blogger, known only as "The Dead Baby". All the information he gives about himself is a short bio, which reads, um, "you gotta let a ho be a ho" (sic).

What makes The Dead Baby so unique? The Dead Baby has a fascination with pissing on perfectly good rolls of toilet paper in public bathrooms. Check out the depravity at his blog. Click on the emoticon dick to get there: *~~~~~~~<=======8

I feel like this is the kind of guy your parents warn you about when you reach the age where you start to realize what a sexual predator is. What may be even more unsettling are the comments people leave. They range from anywhere between a "LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, MAN" all the way to far more disapproving statements, like this little gem that I handpicked and am posting here verbatim, "I know not even a nigger would waste his time wetting toilet rolls."

Well folks, enjoy the rest of your day feeling extreme disappointment with humanity.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Burger King - BK Burger Shots

The annoying ads for these, what's up with that? I would not have been interested in these to begin with but the irritating commercials cemented my opinion into the negative. Annoying advertising has that affect on me, but that's another story for another time. I should not digress. Basically, even without being bugged by those dumb commercials I still wouldn't have wanted one of these things. They just seem stupid. I like Burger King as much as the next guy, possibly more. I sure as shit would rather eat some White Castle than Burger King, but hey... This is supposed to be a food review.

I heard some people talking about how good they were and read a messageboard discussion that was mostly praise as well, and I thought "Really?" It just seems weird to me that Burger King would want to have a knock off White Castle burger to begin with. Additionally, it seems weird that they think if anybody was in the mood for White Castle, that they'd go to Burger King and get a completely different tasting burger that is roughly the same size. It is not the same. And weirder still, that if you were in the mood for a burger from Burger King, why you'd choose to get a tiny burger when you could get a normal one for probably about the same price.

So I ordered 'em. They come in two's and they're stuck together. I went for the cheeseburger. It tastes like a Burger King cheeseburger. Exactly like a Burger King cheeseburger. Only it is not at all satisfying and it just makes you with you had gone to White Castle instead.

Not bad, but I don't get why I would want this when I could get a normal burger.

Some people think White Castle is disgusting (and seriously, fuck you.) so I guess this is who would be buying these? But if you didn't like White Castle, why would you want something like this? And if you do like White Castle, why are you getting this Burger King cock tease version of a delicious White Castle Slider?

More Flyers!

Here's some more flyers I've drawn. This first one's from a few years ago. I drew it while I was supposed to be working at this bullshit hippie store that's right next to The Alley. I got paid to do this. I did very little else while I worked there. Maybe I will post some of the other drawings if I find them.

And this, ladies and gentlemen... Is my favorite Catburglars flyer ever. I drew this one a few years ago also. I drew it on the Metra train on the way to visit my parents. This was a pretty great show, to boot. ALL HAIL GHOST PIG!

Kelly Clarkson, Vitamin Water, Dysentary

I'm on my break at work, eating an overpriced slice of pizza at L'appetito, and I got this Vitamin Water to drink. You know how they have those dumb things on the side that are supposed to be funny or something? Read what this one says.

Okay, so... Kelly Clarkson's voice is... like the food at a diner? What is this saying?

"Kelly Clarkson's voice really reminds me of the way the food at Denny's tastes."

"Every time I listen to Kelly Clarkson sing, I get violent diarrhea."

"Kelly Clarkson is very cheap and totally nauseating."

...and so on, these write themselves. What's up with this?

Mark Gormley

Meet Mark Gormley, a singer/songwriter from Pensacola, Florida (AKA The Armpit of The Country) whose songs have been making the rounds on Youtube lately. With the help of Phil Thomas Katt (what?) and his cable access show, The Uncharted Zone, he has been able to create a series of INTENSE music videos for his tunes. Here is the clip for my favorite Gormley track, "Without You". Believe it or not, this dude's not joking.

Artwork by Ben Lyon & Matt Bremer

Matt and Ben are two of the folks who's work can be seen in HOT FOOD #2, they gave me a few other things in addition to what I included in there, and here it is! First one up's by Ben:

And this confusing little doodle here is by Matt Bremer:


Monday, March 30, 2009

more crap

I've always said that the sexiest look a man can bestow for his lady is wearing nothing but an old white t-shirt and a pair of socks. This ugly fella may be liberated, but he's taken things a step too far.
I've been eating too much cheese lately and it's making my poop weird.
Here's a small little update in the life and times of Luca. I took from the Mike Conway style of comix and progressively made Luca hairier and fatter which each glance, while Luca has taken that and related it to his own life. I blew it by not adding any of his sick tats.
My roommate Ryan drew this and the next one. Sometimes I tell him to draw something for me because he's better at drawing than I am and I know it'll be funnier. Usually he tells me to piss off, but he shot this one out in a matter of minutes. When he was done we both agreed that it oddly looks like Luca.
Ryan and I went to a few gallery openings last Friday night. We actually saw some decent work for a change (a rarity these days since the west loop is slowly turning into squaresville), but there's still plenty to complain about. I'm so sick and tired of going to an show and not only do they run out of free booze IMMEDIATELY but the crowd of dorkus malorkus 20 somethings dressed in their finest "VICE DO's" outfits are slowly driving me to kill. Please move to Brooklyn. You'll like it better there, I swear. Anyway, Ryan fantasied about beating this particular nerd to a pulp. I couldn't blame him. I also appreciate how oaf-like Ryan drew me.