The RedEye is a piece of shit newspaper.

Popinski here. Fuck you. I'm going to watch T.V. something about Hookers For Jesus is on. Here's a blog entry I wrote. You're welcome.

The RedEye is the most read "newspaper" in Chicago. It's half written in internet jargon and the other half are buzzwords.

Someone the other day was reading this near me and the entire page was dedicated to the watchmen movie, with Dr. Manhattan (the naked blue guy on every bus and billboard in the city) with his dick covered up by the words "FULL FRONTAL DUDITY"

I was going to say I can't believe they thought this was clever enough to print, but then I realized I can believe it. What I can't believe is that 90% of the people who saw that thought it was FUCKING HILARIOUS.

Idiocracy is coming true and it's the people you work with who quote it around the office (to shake it up when Flight Of The Conchords lyrics need a break for a breath or two) who are bringing it to you. I mean I wish The Onion A.V. Club wasn't so smug and trying really hard to be, at that. But when the RedEye tries to be hip it's so fucking pathetic it makes you cringe, like when you see really old guys trying to dress in current fashions intended for teenagers walking around in the Gold Coast. It's like, dude. You're balding. You can't do that with your hair.

As it happens, I have found the original first draft of the article in question! I will repost it here for you all to enjoy!

FULL FRUNTAL DUDITY

"I thought this was a great movie until I saw all them DICKS! YUCK! It had BADASS superheros and a HOT fucken dirty little slut. Shit. My friend Bobby tol me the same guy made this movie that made that other comic book movie. Whats it called... Three-Hunnert. You know, that one movie with all those totally RIPPED dudes fighting each other! Bobby told me I was a real faget for liking that movie. He's like, "Only a real faget would like THAT movie!" and I was all "No way! Only a real faget wouldn't like that movie!" Well, it looks like Bobby was right. That movie musta been gay after all! Hollywood needs to start learning to stop tricking reg-lur strait guys like me and you into seeing queerbo movies like this by making them seem so fucken' badass in the preview and then you get there and it's this brokeback shit."

Invigorating!